The lack of warmness

Sometimes i just can't sleep at night.

Cuz of the lack of warmness.

These teddy bears aren't enough. Of course they are all so furry, so cuddly but they are not warm. They are not alive. I can't feel their heart beats, hot breaths. They can't hold me back.

And well, last night i miss my old dog. The only one who used to give me his very comfortable silent treatment. The only one still licked at my chin even after i was a bitch and shooed him out of my room. The only one tiptoed through the night from his little sleeping coner to sneak under my blanket, so that i would hold him and feel his warm belly.

He was the one who tried to find way to me and got lost.

Oh Gott, i just miss him so much.

Okay, i'm being crazy. I don't deny it. You know what? Lonliness hurts and makes you go nuts.

Hah, i'm now kind of understand even just a little bit how he feels and what he thinks when he said things like that.

You can be surround by tons of people who say they love you but you are still a completely loner.

And it's really hard to deal.

And it hurts.

People, from the past and now and maybe in the future, come to me and say so much wonderful things about how we are friends, how happy we are hanging out with each other. And someone even said thing i always wanna hear, she said: "Even if the world against you, we will still be by your side." And i cried, and i believed it. But then things turned out like this, oh so perfectly, i quited. Cuz i realized it doesn't matter how much i tried, it doesn't matter how much they did for me like they said, there will always be a very big distance. From me to all of them.

From me to the whole world.

"So automatic when you say things get better, but they never."

So automatic.

So fucking automatic.

Everyhing is just a rountine. People act like engine. Okay, your friend is upset, you cheer them up by saying: "It's nothing, don't let it affect you." But the point is why it's nothing? They just say thing but never put them as their friend position to consider. That's why i refer silent treatment. You can call me cold-hearted but hah... i really can't do this. I can't just simply say thing.